A few years ago, in the middle of the night, I awoke; my mind scrambled with confusion and an inability to sort through any of the mess sloshing around in my head. There were no answers as far as my mind's eye could see. How was I going to navigate this frightening uncertainty and real-time issues that needed addressed, and soon? I had been through much worse before.
I know I am not unique in undergoing a sleepless night due to a racing mind. I also recognize I am not the first person to feel alone, compounded by a half empty bed and the night goblins that scrambled to get in. I have navigated more than my share of turbulent, tsunami force seas. Sometimes, later, safely on shore, I would be patting myself on the back. Other times, the poker red blush of shame was indicative I made a choice that wasn't my best option. I've learned to live in both worlds and, no matter what, I always moved on.
This time felt different. I wrote about it with the thought, if I put it on paper, it would leave me. I said, “ I feel like I am walking in the darkest of places, inky black all around me, nothing in sight, especially solutions. I turn inward only to find an empty hole. I pray anyway. But, the stillness is deafening, and I am suffocating on the quiet. I am utterly alone, not even the moon or the stars to light my way. I listen, hard, into the void, but I don't hear God's voice. Even worse, I can't even feel His breath."
Black. Still. Barren.
That, my friends, is hopelessness, an emptiness of spirit and soul that seduces people to give up - on life.
I've been confused, overcome with grief, scared out of my skin, devastated beyond repair, but hopelessness, that is the absolute worst emotion any living being can experience. I've never forgotten it. If I can lend another soul even one beam of my light, I am gratefully bound by the Light that finally whispered into my deaf ears.
Comments
Post a Comment